Parents & Kids Jokes

A little boy in 4th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

"Really? What part did you get?" his father asked.

"I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years," replied the boy.

"Congratulations, son. That's great. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking role."

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You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

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What does D.D.A.M. stand for?

Mothers Against Drunk Dyslexia.

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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells Johnny's mother that he was caught playing doctor with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

"Let's not be too harsh on them, said Johnny's mother. "They're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replied Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"

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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

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A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren...and a 16-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. But she was willing to let it pass if he made it up to her in the right way. She told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale...

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A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she instructed.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.

"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say 'Fuck!', the rottweiler ate him!"

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A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through...don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry...only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine...I'm Missy."

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Eddie's kindergarten class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time....Your mother can explain it to you."

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Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black. You dye your hair."

"I most certainly do not," she replied.

"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.

She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.

"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your pussy before the end of the day."

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A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

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One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair. The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill and asked, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

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These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

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A couple took their six-year-old boy along the nude section of a seaside beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs that his mom, he asked her why.

Mom told him that the bigger they are the dumber the person is. This seemed to satisfy the boy, so off he went to play in the sea. Soon however he returned to tell his mom that many of the men had bigger members than dad.

"Well....." says mom, "The bigger they are the dumber they are." Satsified, off again goes the boy.

Shortly however he returns to tell mom that daddy is talking to the dumbest lady on the beach and that the longer he talks the dumber he is getting.

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Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:

"Morning Tommy. Why weren't you at school yesterday?"

"Well Miss Hollings, my Grandad got burnt."

"Oh dear! I hope he wasn't too badly hurt?"

"Oh yes, Miss Hollings. Tthey don't fuck around at those crematoriums."

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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus...so shut up."

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."

Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those jerkoffs at Home Depot ever deliver the damned Sheetrock!"

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It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. "I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is," she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, "What flavor is that?"

The whole class answers, "Mmmm, that's cherry."

"Very good," the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, "Mmm, that's grape."

"Very good," she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says "OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other."

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, "Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!"

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As a mother was trying to pack for vacation, her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, the mother reached out and stuck the daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!", pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again.

When the mother returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears running down her face. "What's wrong, honey?"

Sad and broken up, the daughter looked up and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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A guy goes to the supermarket, and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. 

"Do you know me?" he asked.

"I think you're the father of one of my children," she replied.

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"

She replied, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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People Over 35 Should Be Dead

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Lets not mention the extreme risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them! Congratulations!

People under 35 suck!

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Children in the back of the car cause accidents.

Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Junior kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Junior! Junior!" he whispered to himself to keep him steady.
 
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much.

Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Junior!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed. "And for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

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Child After Child


YOUR CLOTHES   

1st child
You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.   

2nd child
You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.   

3rd child
Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.


PREPARING FOR BIRTH   

1st child
You practice your breathing religiously.   

2nd child
You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.   

3rd child
You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.


THE LAUNDRY  

1st child
You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.   

2nd child
You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.   

3rd child
Boys can wear pink, can't they?


WORRIES   

1st child
At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.   

2nd child
You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.   

3rd child
You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.


PACIFIER

1st child
If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.   

2nd child
When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.   

3rd child
You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.


DIAPERING   

1st child
You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
   
2nd child
You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
   
3rd child
You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.


ACTIVITIES
   
1st child
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd child
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd child
You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.


GOING OUT

1st child
The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd child
Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd child
You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.


AT HOME   

1st child
You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd child
You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd child
You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


SWALLOWING COINS   

1st child
When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child
When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child
When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.

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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied,"Mom I'm forty years old unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm forty years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband, Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later! , the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

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There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and dress decent.

''No, I want to show off my rosebuds!'' she said and bounded out the door.

The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.

''Grandma! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!''

''No. If you can show off them rosebuds, then I can show off my hanging baskets.''

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A couple were sitting up waiting for their fifteen-year-old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy comes into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” he said breathlessly. "Guess what? I've just had sex for the first time and it was wonderful."

His mother turned bright red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him." Then she left the room.

The father said, "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till pay-day to get it".

"That's OK Dad," said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore.”

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An old man is sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"A roll of chicken wire," the boy yells back.

"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.

"Catch me some chickens," says the boy.

"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise when he sees the boy walk by carrying something else.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"Roll of duck tape," the boy yells back.

"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.

"Catch me some ducks," says the boy.

"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's trailing the unrolled duck tape behind him with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"A pussy willow," the boy yells back.

"Hold on," says the old man, "I'll get my hat."

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Noticing one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.  Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."  The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" T

he little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

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A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, “My dad’s a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack goes next: “My dad’s a doctor. He makes sick people better.”

All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.

The teacher asks him, “What does your dad do?”

Walter replies, “My dad’s dead.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard. "From the diving board?"

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At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father gets the "message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, ok?"

The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.

At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to fetch his little brother. "C'mere."

The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our asses for sucking our thumbs!"

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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

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Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral.

As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said, “Why are you crying? You never liked my mother anyway!”

The husband replied, “I know. I thought I saw her move.”

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Grandpa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grandpa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch. After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed Grandpa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside. Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

"Grandpa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied Grandpa, "That dollar's from Grandma!"

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A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Aw, dad," the boy sobs. "when I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their 6-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Back to Jokes Index

Senior Citizens Jokes

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep."??

The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

________________________________________

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa. "That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had!"

They're both silent for ten minutes.

Then Grandpa slaps Grandma. "That's for knowin' the difference!"

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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

BINGO!

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Toward the end of a Sunday service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, this is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front, and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little old lady tottered down the aisle and faced the congregation, "I outlived the bitches."

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An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

________________________________________

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

 "Yes! I was absolutely shocked!" replied the second. "How can they display such a thing! My Lord, the penis on it was so large!"

"Yeah, and cold, too!"

_______________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other "How is your wife??"

The second old man replied, "I think she is dead."

"What do you mean you THINK she is dead???"

"Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

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One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow."

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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

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Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"

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The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

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Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball
all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.

"Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday."

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A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When he cries," she told them.

"When he cries?" they demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put him."

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"

"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathers his remaining strength and lifts himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly makes his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forces himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leans against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he throws himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips part; the wondrous taste of the cookie was nearly in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, makes its way to a cookie at the edge of the table -- where it is suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand--the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

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Two Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on bench during break.

One turns to the other asking,"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains, I know you are about my age, How do you feel?

Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."

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Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

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3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

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What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet new people every day!

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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
 
He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

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"What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked the woman on her birthday, which had set a record for her town.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up".

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An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

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An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife.

"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?"

"Oh no," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem, how many do you want?"

 The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

"That won't do you any good", said the pharmacist.

"That's all right," continues the old man. "I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142."

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.

The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7 o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8 o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at 9 o'clock I wake up."

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Eighty-year-old Frank is driving down I-55 when his cellphone rings.

Picking up, he hears his wife's voice warning him, "Frank, I've just heard on the news that there's some idiot going the wrong way down the highway. Please be careful."

"Hell," says Frank, "it's not just one idiot. There are hundreds of them!"

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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

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A 75-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.

As he got to the student quad he saw a young man studying hard, bringing back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid
started spouting off at him.
 
"Your generation will never understand my generation," the kid lectured. "You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine," the student said.

"Is that right?" the elder man said.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry a dozen books on a tiny chip in my pocket organizer. We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and," he paused to take swig of beer....

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young -- so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard, what are you doing for the next generation?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Senior Personal Ads From Florida
    
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.  Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

............................................

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

............................................

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.  If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

............................................

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

............................................

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
    
............................................

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

............................................

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die, I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for my jewelry."

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A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After closing down the local tavern, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her assistant, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk that I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The assistant does as she is told, and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are staggering home, the first old man tells the other, "You know, I think my girl was dead."

"Dead?" asks his friend. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound the whole time I was pumping away on her."

"Could be worse," replied his friend. "I think mine was a witch."

"What made you think that?"

"Well, I was kissing her on the neck and gave her a little bite, and then she farted and flew out the window."

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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened."

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Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, get together for their regular weekly tea date.

Dorothy is always asked Edna advice. "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date," she says. "I know you went out with him a few times, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

"Well, I'll tell you the honest truth," Edna answers. "He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner...lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me--two times!"

"Goodness gracious!" Dorothy says. "So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

"No, no, no," Edna replies. "I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

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A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye.

 As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.

When they arrive, Johnny runs ahead of his granny, and bursts into his grandfather's room.

"Grandpa", the boy says, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make the sounds of a frog,"

"What for?" asked his Grandpa.

"Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior couple is taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas company, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old people at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the the couple near the gas company. The little old lady pulls off her underwear and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could screw like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The old couple have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches them.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody have sex like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you do it like that 50 years ago?"

The little old man replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light."

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said, "Fuck you!"

A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.

After about half an hour of this, the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Last week, a 67-year-old woman gave birth to twins. Despite the difficulties of her age, there is one advantage--she can push the babies in the stroller and breast-feed them at the same time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well it's nothing really."

"It has to be something. Tell me about it."

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work," said the old man.

"That's not bad."

"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for us. Then after lunch we have more wild sex."

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing," said the young man.

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then I come home, and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night."

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?"

"I forgot where I live!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a re-check.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

An older gentleman had lost his hearing aid and wanted to get a new one. Before getting the new hearing aid, he wanted his ear cleaned out, so he went to his doctor.

As the doctor was cleaning his ears, he noticed a foreign object lodged in the man's ear canal. With a pair a tweezers, the doctor removed the object. Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was a suppository. The doctor told the older gentleman that he had a suppository stuck in his ear.

At this, the man exclaimed, "Now I know where I put my hearing aid!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Senior Thoughts

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A well-dressed, debonair man in his mid-nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good-looking, younger woman in her mid-eighties.

Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me...do I come here often?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Circle Of Life

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to Jokes Index

Various Jokes

Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest. The first had no arms. The second no legs and the third, no body, just a head.

They all lined up, the whistle blew and they dove in.

The guy with no arms took the lead instantly but the guy with no legs closed fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finished first. He could still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decided he had better dive down to rescue the head. He picked up the head, surfaced, and placed the head on the side of the pool, whereupon the head started coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head caught his breath. "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

__________________________________________

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

"How ya doin' me bucko?" asked Mick.

"Okay," Paddy replied, "but do us a favour mate...run upstairs and get me slippers. Me
feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He steps into the room, declaring "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

"Get away with ya...prove it," they replied.

So Mick shouts downstairs. "Eh, Paddy...both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em! What's the point of fuckin' one?"

____________________________________________

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the owner that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.

Finally fed up the owner responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

___________________________________________

I was so depressed last night that I rang the Suicide Hotline, who patched me through to a call center somewhere in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one!"

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her!"

"No," said the father. "We will not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son. "She's not too skinny, she's not too fat. She's just right!"

"Right," the father replied. "We're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a militant vegan?

Lactose intolerant.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's black and white and red all over?

Mimes in a chainsaw fight.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It ain't hard.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You Love Something...

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
Set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly
states that...

THE MICROSOFT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and
tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Don't ever set her free.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant,
If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme,
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

__________________________________________

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.

But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hallmark Rejects

WEDDING & ENGAGEMENT CARD

Front: "Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population."

Inside: "But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope."

...................................................................

BIRTHDAY CARD

Front: "I wanted to give you a body piercing for your birthday."

Inside: "But I didn't think I could get you drunk enough to where you wouldn't feel the stapler!"

...................................................................

WEDDING & ENGAGEMENT CARD

Front: "Did I hear wedding bells?"

Inside: "Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!"

...................................................................

MOTHER'S DAY CARD

Front: "When I think of you, Mom, I swell with pride."

Inside: "At least I hope it's pride. Otherwise, I'm pregnant again."

...................................................................

BIRTHDAY CARD

Front: "My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that's what it gave her."

Inside: "So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday."

...................................................................

CHRISTMAS CARD

Front: "Spread some holiday cheer."

Inside: "Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?"

...................................................................

GET-WELL CARD

Front: A big happy face.

Inside: "Hi! Welcome back from your coma!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

...........................................

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge #1:  A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2:  Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank): Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

...................................

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

...................................

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

...................................

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

...................................

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

...................................

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3: I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

...................................

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 

Judge #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

...................................

Chili #8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge #1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

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A little old lady from New Orleans had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan... a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
 
She said to herself, "I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!"

She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "We at Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000 -- even though we will not be able to use it."

When you read her entry, you'll know why they couldn't use it:

Carnation Milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

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They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

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Did you ever notice the evening news begins with 'Good evening', and then they proceed to tell you why it isn't?

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Rules For Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

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A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.

Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.

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Wise Thoughts

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

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Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

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