Animal Jokes
Two fleas were conversing on a dog heading through Central Park in a New York autumn.
"I do not want to spend another winter up here," the first flea said to the second. "I'm tired of freezing my butt off."
"You should do what I do," replied the second flea. "Every autumn, I head for La Guardia, pick out a woman who's on a flight to Miami, and snuggle into her privates. It's the best way to travel, and I spend the entire summer in Florida. You should try it."
"Not a bad idea. I think I will."
The next day, the two fleas met up at La Guardia, and both selected women who were flying to Miami. The second, well-traveled flea arrived in Miami first and waited for the other. Hours went by, turning into days. Midway through the fourth day, the first flea finally arrived.
"What happened?" asked the second flea.
"I don't know. I did what you told me to do," replied the first flea. "I snuggled into a woman's privates, and it was so comfortable I fell asleep."
"Then what?"
"All I know is that I woke up in a trucker's moustache bound for Omaha."
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
Sparky!
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The
average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate.
So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads ... and you wonder why the ocean is so salty.
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His
Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
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A
woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the
dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in
the back of the store for $50.00.
She asked the shopkeeper why
the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell
you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he
occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."
Thinking
that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say,
she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He
looked around and said, "New house, new madam".
"That's not so bad," she thought.
A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores."
Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.
Later that evening, her husband Ray came home.
The parrot again spoke out...
This time it said, "Hi Ray!"
The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.
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A
bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of
his life and feeling damn good about it. He looks down and sees a
rabbit dumping a load right next to him.
The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit shakes his head and says, "Nope, never bothers me."
The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.
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Marine
biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard
as possible.
If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.
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Eager
to try out Viagra, a man takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits
for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets
and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of
them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and
stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his
Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later
before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer
expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained
with sweat and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"
The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"
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How To Clean Your Toilet The Fun Way!
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet , streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely
The Dog
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What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
To get a diarrhea.
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What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?
A dill doe.
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Politically Correct Three Little Pigs
Once
there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and
in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous
to the area, they each built a beautiful house.
One pig built a
house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay,
and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When
they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled
back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon
shattered.
One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist
ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and
ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house
of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,
shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture!"
But
the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny.
So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The
frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot
pursuit. Where the straw house had stood, other wolves bought up the
land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The little pigs shouted back, "Go to Hell you carnivorus, imperialistic oppressor!"
At
this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The
pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves have now built a
time-share condo resort complex for other vacationing wolves. Each unit
was a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as
native curio shops, snorkelling and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
This
time in response the little pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote
letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting
angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore
point of view. So he huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell
over dead of a massive heart attack brought on by eating too many fatty
foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and
did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf.
Their next
step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of
other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of
"porcinistas" attacked the resort complex with machineguns and rocket
launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal
affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with
free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for
everyone.
Author's note:
The wolf was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolf was harmed in the writing of this story.
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Harry
the Magician was performing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The pay
was lousy, but the audience changed weekly, so he could do the same
tricks over and over.
There was just one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand the
tricks. So in the middle of the show, the parrot would shout:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was the captain's parrot.
Two weeks later, the ship sank. Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece of wood...with the parrot perched on the other end.
Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred for several days, but did not utter a single word.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?"
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This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The
farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and
yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and
a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
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Two camels were leaving a strip club. One camel says to the other, "It really does look like our feet."
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Once
upon a time there was a stork family -- a papa, a mama and a baby. One
evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork
left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night.
When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked,
"Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa.
Several
weeks later mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa
stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork
didn't come home until late the next morning. When she did come in,
baby stork asked, "Mama, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later
in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork
were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home
by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come
in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt.
Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired
son dragged himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the college students," replied baby stork.
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Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn't it?"
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Some
race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his
track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At
this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last
90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!"
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
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What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?
Rhesus Pieces.
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Why was the rooster so unhappy?
Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.
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Entertainment Jokes
Top Ten Country Music Titles
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns in The Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
5. She's Leaving Me Because She Really Wants To
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
8. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Then I'd be Out By Now
9. I Married Her Because She Looks Like You
10. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body, Except For Mine
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What do you call ghosts who scare talkshow hosts?
The Phantom of the Oprah.
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How Does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Out of a catalog.
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. 'First, you must wear a diaphragm.'
Cinderella agrees. 'What's the second condition?''
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!'"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."
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What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
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What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine?
Don King.
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"This week, a consumer group warned that Mr. Potato Head is a dangerous toy because people can choke on its small pieces. After hearing this, Mrs. Potato Head sighed and said, 'Tell me about it.'"
--Conan O'Brien
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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's a famous erudite comic who once said, "I woke up one morning and all my stuff had been stolen.., and replaced by exact duplicates. His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his lines:
I'd kill for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
A is the sign of bad memory.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
Why do psychics ask you for your name?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!
About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!"
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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
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Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"
Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi, are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"
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"Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
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