Gender Jokes
How To Make Love
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4 Gently add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight though).
6. Love is complete when banana is soft (If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls).
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, and then got his bag filled with packets of money.
But instead of running out, he approached the crowd of terrified customers. He picked out one and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
"No sir, I sure didn't," the man replied. "But my wife did."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband in his backyard was trying to fly a kite. He threw the kite up in the air several times, only to have it come crashing back down every time. All the while, his wife watched from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men needed to be told how to do everything.
She opened the window and yelled at her husband, "You need a piece of tail!"
"Make up your damn mind!" her husband yelled back. "Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role-playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at my mother's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask."
"Well?!," exclaimed the other two. "What happened?!"
"When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Pam and Bob agreed to one last-ditch effort to save their marriage--they went to a marriage counselor.
Every session, however, turned into a long list of complaints about the other, endless recounting of the arguments they had, and pet peeves.
"OK," the counselor said. "I think we need to start this week on a more positive note."
"Like what?" Bob and Pam said, almost in unison.
"Well, isn't there just one thing you have in common?"
There was a long and uncomfortable silence.
"Well, yes, there is!" Bob finally said, causing both Pam and the counselor to brighten. "Neither of us," he said, "will have sex with men..."
----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" the young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."
Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "I've tried that...it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
?A cherry float.
---------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell you've had a good blowjob?
You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we
know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the
housework...you're a pansy. If you work too hard...there's never any
time for her. If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay...you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion
ahead of her...that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of
you...it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks...it's sexual harassment. If you keep
quiet...it's male indifference. If you cry...you're a wimp. If you
don't...you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without
consulting her...you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without
consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something
she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If she asks you...it's a
favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...you're a
pervert. If you don't...you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her
legs and keep in shape...you're sexist. If you don't...you're
unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape...you're vain. If you
don't...you're a slob. If you buy her flowers...you're after something.
If you don't...you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements...you're full of yourself. If you
don't...you're not ambitious. If she has a headache...she's tired. If
you have a headache...you don't love her anymore. If you want it too
often...you're oversexed. If you don't...there must be someone else.
Why do men die first? Because they want to.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Personal Ads Glossary
Women's Ads
40-ish............................49
Adventurer...................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..........................No tits
Average looking..........Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.......................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.....Medicated
Feminist........................,Fat ballbuster
Free spirit......................Junkie
Friendship first.............Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.................................Annoying
Gentle............................Comatose
Good Listener..............Borderline Autistic
New-Age.......................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned..............Lights out, missionary position only,
no BJs
Open-minded...............Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................Sloppy drunk
Poet................................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional..................Certified Bitch
Redhead........................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque...............Grossly Fat
Romantic........................Looks better by candle light
Social..............................Has been passed around like an
hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.....................Very Fat
Weight proportion
w/height..........................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate............Stalker
Widow.............................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart...............Old Bat
Men's Ads
40-ish..............................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking............Unusual hair growth on ears, nose,
& back
Educated........................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.......................Banging your sister
Friendship first...............As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun...................................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking..................Arrogant
Very good looking.........Dumb as a board
Honest.............................Pathological Liar
Huggable........................Overweight, more body hair than
a bear
Likes to cuddle...............Insecure mama's boy
Mature..............................Older than your father
Open-minded..................Wants to sleep with your roommate
but she's not interested
Physically fit.....................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet....................................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a
bathroom stall
Sensitive...........................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive..................Gay
Spiritual............................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable...............................Arrested for stalking, but
not convicted
Thoughtful........................Says "Excuse me" when he farts
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A
guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into
ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is
pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls
him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by
the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there
a golf ball in her rectum?"
"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.
------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They
never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However,
one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to
his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On
his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to
one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been
kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him,
she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you
afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two
guys are hitting the links at their local country club. Luckily, it's a
beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been
breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the
first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from
the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact,
they've each five-putted it.
The first guy says "Christ. I
hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for
the next eleven holes!" The second one goes, "Well, maybe I'll go talk
to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec."
So
he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a
hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from
them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, "Jesus! That's
my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm
sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed
if they saw me. How about you go ask them?"
So the other guy
trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game.
Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the
same manner.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his friend says.
"Same damn thing," he replies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob
works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The
doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
Bob’s wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh
no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are
seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a
Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and asks how
the waitress knows what he wanted. "I recognize her, she's the waitress
from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine,
honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi
Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious,
grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her
getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside
her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She’s screaming at him, cursing him out. As Bob tries his best to calm
her down, the cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a
real bitch this time."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well,
it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet game of golf
with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went
to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and
lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife's golf
ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made
my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey this looks like yours!'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.
As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.
The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."
About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.
So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.
They
all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my
golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."
So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.
Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"
The hitman replies, "Sure."
So
Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see
through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my
next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"
This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.
The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
Jack
responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my
wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand
it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for
screwing around with my wife."
The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The hitman replies, "Relax...I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tide
I
am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now
that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate
and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Well, one thing
led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white
blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my
surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the
stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What
a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Your friend
Monica
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A
man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much
is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
In
a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym
for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping
for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Manisms
1) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2) It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3) Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5) If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6)
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7) No
man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.
8) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9)
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10)
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11)
It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
12) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15) If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16)
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.
17) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19) If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22)
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to
go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch
by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24) The morning after you
and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey
sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you
not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a
big mistake it was.
25) It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26) Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27)
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
28) There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29)
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home
late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with
a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you
flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out
with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're
next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion.
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
------------------------------------------------------------------
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, and no!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me, before the surgery."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A handy guide for men...
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1) Pass My Shotgun
2) Psychotic Mood Shift
3) Perpetual Munching Spree
4) Puffy Mid-Section
5) People Make me Sick
6) Provide Me with Sweets
7) Pardon My Sobbing
8) Pimples May Surface
9) Pass My Sweatpants
10) Pissy Mood Syndrome
11) Plainly Men Suck
12) Pack My Stuff
13.) Potential Murder Suspect
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two
married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks
at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I
screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my
shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say,
'You as horny as I am?'...and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband" replies the lady.
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The
lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes
the photo and nods.
"I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Several
men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello?"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but if you're spending that much anyway I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing: The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.9 million."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1.75."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex researchers now report there are seven kinds of sex. Which describes your typical style?
1) Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
2) Kitchen Sex:
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you
are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
3) Bedroom Sex: This
is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
4) Hallway Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
5) Religious Sex: You get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
6) Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and her lawyer screws you in front of everyone.
7) Social Security Sex: You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A
newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They get a master
suite in their hotel. The man's wife leaves, but the staff fails to
notice.
A few hours later, the man goes to the manager at the desk, and says, he is "checking out."
The manager asks him where his wife is.
The man tells the manager that she left him.
The manager asks, "Why, didn't you have a good time last night?"
The man replies, "No, I had the best night of my life last night."
The manager asks, "Then why did she leave you?"
The man replies, "It was with the maid."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't want to interrupt her.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested.
The case came before the
court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied,
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The
Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments
Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could
not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into her bosses office with this complaint:
"All
the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment.
Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for
discrimination."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
10 Reasons Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys
10) More fun to complain about them to your friends.
9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.
6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.
5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.
4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.
3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.
2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.
1)
Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who
will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Having
been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would
often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny
to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband
found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first
week, she began complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't
like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The
neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy you curtains."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Men Have Better Friends Than Women
Friendship Between Women:
A
woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A
man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sensitive Man's View of Creation
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A
man walked into the ladies' department at Macy's, and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquired the man. "Is there more than one type?"
"Look
around," said the saleslady as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this
variety, there are only 4 types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The
saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which do you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the difference between them.
The
saleslady responded, "It's all quite simple. The Catholic type supports
the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian
type keeps them staunch and upright. And the Baptist type makes
mountains out of molehills."
She continued, "Have you ever
wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the letters used to
define bra sizes? If you have wondered why and couldn't what the
letters designate, it's about time to become informed. Here's a list
explaining the designations..."
A--Almost boobs
B--Barely there
C--Can't complain
D--Damn
DD--Double damn
E--Enormous
F--Fake
G--Get a reduction
H--Help! They've fallen and I can't get them up!
"Also, don't forget the German bra--Holtzemfromfloppen."
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love isn't blind. It's retarded."
--Charlie Sheen, Two And A Half Men, 2-6-06
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed
and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed
glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Straight, like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed
finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown
prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted
said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter
met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much
and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where
they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in
bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After
a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready
for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
True story--I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My
parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me,
very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me
and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day
little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that
soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me
that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say
a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I
was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the
house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future
father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me
and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A
woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a
half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a
head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of
bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in
front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The
woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is a man doing when he pours beer on his hand?
Getting his date drunk.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There
was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face
was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then
donated some of his skin.
However, the only place suitable to
the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be
told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.
After
the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her
friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.
She
was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to thank him for
what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
The
husband replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough
every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct
1) She is not a Babe or a Chick - She is a Breasted American.
2) She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.
3) She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
4) She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.
5) She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
6) She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.
7) She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
8) She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.
9) She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attactive.
10) She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
11) She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
12) She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.
13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
14) She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.
15) She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
16) She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
17) She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
After
being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with
his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call
him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like
this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his
eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My
grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timeline for Dating Women
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In
college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When
I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull
that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I
was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided
to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I
found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground
and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,
I.....w...a...s......a...l...m...o...s..t........m...a...r...r...i...e..d"
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"
The reply comes,
"Y..e..s,
.I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a.....d..o..c..t.o..r......a..n..d. .
he...... t..o..l..d..... m..e.... t..h..a..t..... i..f..... I......
s..p..e...a..k..... s..l..o..w.l..y...... I .... w..o..u..l..d.....
n..o..t.... s..t..u...t..t..e..r."
The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l,.....
m..y..... f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d........ I...... w..e...
r..e..... s..i.t..t..i..n..g.... o..n.....h..e..r.......
p..o..r..c..h... a..n...d.... t..h..e... d..o..g... w..a..s..
s...c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n....g...... h..i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o.....
I..... t..o..l..d.... h.e..r...... t...h..a.t......w...h..e..n.....
w..e.....a..r..e.... m..a..r..r..i..e.d,........ s..h..e...... c..a
.n...... d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d.....
t..h..e..n.... s.h..e.... t..h..r..e..w....... t..h..e..... r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e"
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend.
"W..e..l..l,
.I.....s..p..e..a..k.....s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y,.....t..h..a..t...
.b. .y.....t..h ..e...... t..i...m...e..... s.h..e.....
l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e ... .d..o..g,..... h..e .
w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ..... b..a..l..l..s.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A
man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He
answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Doris
and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some
extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After
a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained
that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few
weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but
would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's
just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to
have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's
not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and
we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with
hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That
evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared
the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the
bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The
model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it
is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer
or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's
true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow
night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see
for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris
prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the
bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the
curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she
lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy
mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes, said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you make your girlfriend scream twice?
First take her in the ass and then wipe your member clean on the curtains.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
After
the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned
the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly,
luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then
she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're
nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we
just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an
hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the
southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it
was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in
Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble
y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember
the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a
prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist
University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today
we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process
is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his
other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph
of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a
third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At
first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile
was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl
Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had
more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night
over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost
immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for
psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards
the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one
morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know,
but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the
city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the
treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist
on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse
to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a
violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary
was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do
a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and
self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!"
Her
brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and
passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people
don't even know you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Karen
lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of
her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging
her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but
didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
Well,
it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their
first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
She
replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky
that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there
with the black panties on,and he is in his birthday suit .. except that
he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently,
a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her
next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife
said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good
to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your
husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean
to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A
husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His
wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
"That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok,"
replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be
no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no
Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is
yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she
asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is much better looking," says the wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her down below.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The
wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her
husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and
starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What did saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get some support here people are going to think were nuts."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well,
Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you
did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do
such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack,
remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that
very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr.
DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then
you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I
love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I
couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must
really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A
devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he
had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she
stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he
motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I
got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you
were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What happend to the man who died on an overdose of Viagra?
They couldn't close the coffin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A
woman decides to cook a fancy meal and sends her husband out for a bag
of snails. She tells him that if he dares to go to the bar on the way
back there will be hell to pay.
The man buys the snails and goes
straight to the pub, where he stops until closing time. Feeling
thoroughly refreshed he staggers home and rings the bell.
The
wife, furious as thunder, stomps out of the kitchen and throws open the
front door. She finds her husband in the driveway on his knees, the
snails scattered around him in all directions.
He glares at them, throws out his arm and shouts, "Come on you bastards! Hurry up!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two
women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They
were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something.
They had nothing to wipe with but the one woman thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away.
Her
friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't
want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with
that. They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's
husband phoned the other husband and said, "We'd better keep an eye on
our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."
"That's
nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck up her ass
that read, 'From all the guys at the fire station. We'll never forget
you'."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After
these two years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely
horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both
Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was
very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after a
while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So they buried her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of "trust"?
Two cannibals in a 69.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Perfect breasts: (o)(o)
Silicone breasts: ( + )( + )
Perky breasts: (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts: (@)(@)
A cups: o o
D cups: { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts: (oYo)
Cold breasts: ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts: (o)(O)
Pierced breasts: (Q)(O)
Hanging tassels breasts: (p)(p)
Grandma's breasts: \ o /\ o /
Against the shower door breasts: ( )( )
Android breasts: | o | | o |
Mammogram breasts: (_)(_)
Martha Stewart's breasts: ($)($)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine is having trouble with his new operating system.
Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble.
However, apparently there were conflicts between these two systems and
the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound
turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 was incompatible with
several other applications, such as Boys Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.4 and
Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had
many Bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down
completely for several weeks.
Eventually he tried re-installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend
1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his
dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However,
whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled
with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.
But imagine my friends disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be
unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are
automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted, they
then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary
Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
Another problem is that Wife 1.0 automatically runs PhotoSTROP and
WHINGEzip for no reason and no option on the Help menu seems to work,
leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint
needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new
attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be re-installed every week.
It also refused some of the new games and attachments he wanted to try,
stating they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs
the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress Millennium add-on, but there
could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000,
it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?
If you dragged them by the feet they filled with dirt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible
blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything. Thanks, buddy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling! Love, Jill"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Her Side Of The Story
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much
about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to
this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer
him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I
asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love
him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that
meant because you
know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his
place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask
him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was
going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to
leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what
he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
His Side Of The Story
My team lost. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
------------------------------------------------------------------
One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point."
Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in
the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the
back seat and reading a magazine.
"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"
"I'm eighteen, sir, and," checking his watch another time, "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
"But we don't know anything about each other!" she said.
"That's all right," he replied, "we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So, she consented and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck
gainer, followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
"That was incredible!" she said.
"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he said. "See, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
50 she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Portland and I worked both sides of the Columbia River."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who
enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about
this--when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it
around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at
it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says,
"Geez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The
single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife
doggie style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a
little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear,"
the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her
purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck
away saying, "Be careful next time!"
She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way.
Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned
this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a
third duck with the same problem.
"Now I've had it!" she whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for
the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the
duck.
She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.
"Yes?" she replied.
"Do you have a Kleenex?"
"No, not anymore," she answered.
"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an
idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and
shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts the grass."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a man than a woman?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never
have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they
decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never
look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store
and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each man's supplies he
laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
"What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
"No way! We've sworn off women for life!"
"Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."
"Okay," and the two friends left.
The next year one of the two friends came into the trader's store and
said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah."
"Where is he?"
"I killed him."
"Why?" asked the shocked trader.
"I caught him in bed with my board."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of
the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used
the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What
does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter...let's look for yours."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him
to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said,
"Life isn't worth living."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your
salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now,
do you do for a living?"
"I clean septic tanks."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex you use the whole damn chicken.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to
Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at
break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all
night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack
the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and
hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of
sleep either!"
The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the
slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a
sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”
“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”
“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from
behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear,
‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can
hang on.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to
spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs."
"Blowjobs?" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she
explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical
and laughed it off.
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She
ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man leaves a bar late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops
pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" the man answered.
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving fine. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex. How about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for
the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd
never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the
middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what
it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks,
with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house
attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea
kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and
bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend,
hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and
asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for
Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very
difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift
would be a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves.
His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk
carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The
sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are
in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it
had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons,
but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I
wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other
hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting
them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just
think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll
wear them Friday night for me.
Love,
Honey Bear
P.S.- The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a
dinner sponsored by their family and friends. Just before they were to
walk up and take their seats at the head table, the husband pulls his
wife aside and tells her; " Its been a wonderful 50 years, you have
been a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother to our children. No
regrets".
Then she says; "Yes, it has been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a
wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to our children, and I only
have two regrets".
Whereupon the husband throws up his hands and asks "What, what?".
She replies, "For 50 years, when ever we have had sex, you have always
been on top; and the second is that for 50 years you have picked your
nose."
The husband says "I can explain. When I left the old country, my father
took me aside and told me... 'Son, whatever you do, keep your nose
clean, and never fuck up.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary
assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in
this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table!"
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and
climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside.
Hurt and a little dejected, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"
"Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?
Because they're bitter.
_________________________________________
Back to Jokes Index